December 18, 2014

Top 5 Worst Movies of 2014

Okay, so I haven't done a list of Top 5 Worst Movies since like 2011! Y'know how long ago that was??? That was like three years ago holy shit does time fly!

I didn't do Worst Movies for '12 or '13 because honestly, I didn't see a lot of bad movies those years (though I will say that it could also be that I just forgot about all the shit that I saw during that time). But with this year, I saw a lot of crap, and it all stuck with me unfortunately. I feel bad too, 'cause like three of these movies I saw with friends and I'm like "I'm so sorry I dragged you to this; please forgive me!" But anyway, let's get started!

That's right, I got links to some of these too! So, I'm just gonna say that I was so disappointed in this movie because I loved the first Amazing Spider-Man, and this one had such a strong first act that it just became a drag to watch it crumble under the weight of how much it was trying to do. For all its faults, there is a decent screenplay in here, but the execution of everything just felt wrong. I mean, the characters feel rushed, the plots feel so haphazard and unbalanced, and this movie's attempt to springboard a Spider-Man Cinematic Universe felt way too hamfisted and dull to me. I did like the action in this, and Spider-Man does get some great witty dialogue while in costume, but ultimately I feel this failed more than it succeeded. But it did at least succeed more than the others on this list, so let's see what else we have in store.

4. Lucy

Last movie I saw before going to college and holy hell, was this just a drag. Lucy almost delights in how ridiculous it is, not just in how it gets literally all science factually wrong, but also in how the screenplay just kinda seems to both lay down track in the nick of time as it's speeding forward and also in how this thing just drags on and on and on. Which is weird, because from what I remember, this thing was pretty short... that's about all I can remember though as this sucked any and all enjoyment that could have been had from a premise like this. Scarlett Johansson... okay, I don't know what it is about good actors appearing in crap movies, but that's like the theme for this list (except for the last two). Anyway, Johansson just sleeps through her role as the title character, and for all that I love Morgan Freeman, he also just sleeps through his role. I'm sure both were just on set every day (or I guess in the one day it took to shoot this thing for all the effort that was put into it) just muttering under their breaths "paycheck paycheck paycheck". And honestly, it put me to sleep, and writing about it is putting me to sleep. Let's move on to the next film on the list.

Yeah. So it seems kinda weird that I'm putting Noah above Lucy in this list, but I at least remember Lucy because I saw it with a friend and she and I had a good chat beforehand, so I can at least fall back on that memory of it. Here, I only remember how weird this movie was. Like Amazing 2, Noah isn't a total wreck of a movie; there are elements in here that I did enjoy: the effects (some of the time), Russell Crow's acting, I'm glad Emma Watson is in something, though I'm kinda sad it had to be this. And like in the moment, I liked watching this, but like hard candy, it leaves such a sick aftertaste in the mouth that I just can't recommend seeing this. It feels like a made-for-tv-movie that just happened to have some big-name actors in it, and that's all I can really say about it. Not good. At all.

2. 300: Rise of an Empire

Alright! 300! I loved that movie! So what the fuck happened??? Whenever a thing comes out like over half a decade after its predecessor, I always go into that thinking do we really want another one of this now? That's what a lot of people thought about Sin City 2 which I didn't see (thank God), and that's what most thought about this too I'm told. I saw this with my mom, and when we got out of the theater she was like "It's a testament to sit-ups and hot wax!" and that's like the best comment OMG. Anyway, what to say about this. Y'know, this thing's like an hour and forty-five minutes! That's less than the length of Frozen! And this movie is literally like a battle and then some sex and then another battle and then some more sex, and some manly dialogue between two manly men without shirts on. I just-- I don't even know.

Just read the Mini-View.
Alright fine, I guess I'll comment on this atrocity briefly. Aaron and Daniel, I am so sorry that I dragged you two to this session of blanket torture and thick mindlessness. I made a comment on Facebook yesterday that read "I kinda like how, now that we have four of them, the Michael Bay Transformers movies are like the Star Trek film franchise in that every other one is bad... except like, the odd Transformers films are kinda just okay action films, and the even numbered Transformers films are, like, the antithesis to all things good and joyful about action cinema- plus, y'know, it's Transformers, so it's not at all like Star Trek". That's it. I don't even have to say anything else about it. This "movie" (and I use that term loosely) sucks. It's an insult to Transformers and it's an insult to basic human intelligence.

So, there are my Top 5 Worst Movies of 2014. What were yours? Did you experience something worse than Age of Extinction? If so, what was it? I'm so sorry if you did! Let me know what your worst films of the year were in the comments if you like! A positive list of films is coming soon, so keep an eye out for that!

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