October 28, 2013

Day 156

I don't know if any of my readers out there are musicians or singers or performers of any kind (chances are that you are, at least in some respect), but y'know that feeling of whenever you finish a concert and you just feel like you could have done so much better because in rehearsal you knew you had that one passage down pat? Well, that's exactly how I felt after performing the Phantom of the Opera Medley today. Don't get me wrong, it went well, and the crowd really enjoyed it, but I just feel that things didn't go my way, or rather, things went my way but the things that went wrong outweighed the things that went right.

First off, there was a lot of stress leaving the house this morning. Aron and I had to get up pretty early to meet the 7:30 deadline, and so we were kinda grumpy. Then, once at school, we had to drag the piano out ourselves because I hadn't clarified with the tech people what we needed, and then to complete the drama, our sound check person didn't show up (for a perfectly legitimate excuse, I will grant them). So, even before performing, I was already a little flustered.

Morning Meeting commenced, and announcements were made, and then it was time to perform. The beginning section started off great! I remembered my counting and rhythms and played it beautifully, and then the backing rock band came in and it was awesome. Then somewhere in the middle (and I know exactly where it is, which makes it all the more infuriating), I lost my spot, and the whole band kinda receded in tone, because we were all nervous that we were going to lose it. So, that was the first problem. I managed to get back on track, and we played through the slow section very well. Then the next big notey section happened, and I knew as soon as I started playing it that it would be bad. This was a section that I had worked on and struggled with ever since I first saw the sheet music for the piece, and I knew I would never nail it perfectly. But even I didn't think I'd screw up this badly. Really, it ended up messing up the whole fast middle section, because my violin was all screechy throughout it. Then the last third of the piece happened and that went pretty smoothly. The ending was badass, and it's aways nice to end on a strong note. After that ,we got our picture taken with our Phantom masks and instruments, and it was a good time. Later in the day, I found out that my amp was actually turned all the way down, so bringing it in was completely pointless! No one noticed it, because I played so loudly but for me, that was just the last straw.

And really, here's my big problem with this whole thing, and then I'll move on (seriously, I will): this piece was very special to me, and it was the best representation of Lindsey Stirling that I've heard to date. As such, I not only wanted to make this a badass rock concert-type of thing, but also pay respects and homage to Lindsey. And I didn't do that. Not coming down on my fellow group members, 'cause they did an awesome job, and I'm so thankful for them and for the fact that I can just call on friends like this and they'll do this! That is so great! No, I'm talking about only me and my mistakes (because that's the only person I have any right in judging). I was talking with my outside thesis reader about this issue of doing your best, and he said that if that's my best then I should run with it. But that's not good enough for me. Not entirely, anyway. This piece was something that I wanted to present to the world as the thing that I did and totally owned. I wanted this to be my thing that I could look back on and say that I put in a year and a half's worth of effort and practice in and it resulted in something awesometacular! And that's not what happened. And it pisses me off. Every other performer that I know performed at least once flawlessly, and that has't happened to me. Now, obviously I'm being too hard on yself, and I won't deny that. I'm just saying that I put my best foot forward today, and I stumbled. And sure, it happens, but that doens't mean I have to be ahppy about it.

Okay, rant over. That was the start of a really crappy day (actually, everyone else loved the piece; it was only me who found fault in it). Had Modern History today, and it was a thesis work day (thank God). We first completed this stupid school survey and then I worked more on my Secondary Source analyses. English was the high point of my day. In there, we talked some Shakespeare, and then we drew pictures of the characters or situations or island maps and hung them on the wall. I got to do my Ariel/Tony Stark idea! That made me happy, because I just went crazy with it! My English teacher loved it too! She loved all the other drawings I did of Antonio and Prospero as well, so that made me happy!

Third and fourth blocks were free for me today, so I just hung out, read Scene Four of The Tempest, and then finished off Cuckoo's Nest! It's such a great bool! Met with my outside reader, as mentioned above, and we talked about thesis stuff and about what it means to show the world who you are, and he was actually very encouraging and insightful (obviously not enough for me to get over my petty whining and such, but he was still very nice, and I appreciate his council).

Then, at the end of the day, the next bad thing happened. I was all set to go to Cross Country, and then Aaron decided that he needed a new phone, because he dropped his old one or something. So, instead of making a rational decision, I stupidly agreed to go along with him to Best Buy and get one, instead of going to Cross like I should have done and let him come back and pick me up. So, I missed Cross today, and instead went with Aaron in search of a new phone. We got to the store, he bought the phone, we came home, and then my Mom came home. She was... less than amused, shall we say even a little pissed off! There was a whole to-do with Aaron's parents about sanctioning the return and subsequent re-buying of the phone... I don't even know; it was really long and complicated, kinda like my AYS rehearsal tonight!

Yes, while my Mom and Aaron went back to Best Buy to return and buy a new phone, I went to AYS. The first part of that was okay (my stand partner wasn't here, so I had the stand to myself; yay!) We rehearsed our pieces, and went over what we're going to do on Thursday. It sounds like its gonna be awesome, actually! Sectionals though... that took forever tonight. And it wasn't even like the stuff we were practicing was hard; I was just so tired and had had it for today, that I just didn't care anymore. So, those went on for a long long time, and finally I returned home.

Today was admittedly not as bad as I'm making it out to be. The concert went fine because everyone enjoyed it, and really, that's the important thing, right? I''m just mad about it... I'm not even gonna go back to that subject. *Ahem*! I hope today is not an indication of my mood or my luck for the whole week, and I'm really hoping tomorrow will be better.

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