October 25, 2013

Day 153

There's something to be said for a cloudy, gloomy, rainy day in the Southwest. It makes you tired, but not frustrated; like, it gives you this feeling of serenity and easiness that just makes you want to curl up and take a nice long nap! That's what today was like: cloudy and rainy and gloomy (but in a good way). The Cross Country meet was cancelled today due to Grants being flooded... that tends to bench the running sports, unless we wanted to swim which just no. So all of us had classes in the afternoon, which would have been fine had most of us remembered to bring our stuff. I was actually okay, given that I already had my Advanced English play in my backpack and my laptop in there, and then in History we didn't do anything (more on that below), so it was okay.

Apparently there's been a lot of internal drama going on in my head, which I absolutely hate. I hate this whole teen drama thing, where we have to make everything into a big deal when really it isn't. I mean, I guess on some level it is, because we're making a big deal about it, but in the end, we'll forget about it by next Tuesday and it just won't matter to us anymore. So yeah, drama going on in my head: today in History we had a substitute, which sucked for two reasons. First, I didn't get to have my normal history teacher teach his class today which was awful because he's a badass! Second, the substitute who we got and the lesson plan were both boring and bland. Having read all I wanted to read out of Cuckoo's Nest for the day, I had very little to do in that class (because that was the lesson plan: to read as much of the book as we wanted... and that's it). So I sat there, watched the new Captain America: The Winter Soldier trailer a few dozen times and got onto Tumblr after that.

During all of this, three students up and left; took all their stuff with them and left. The substitute didn't even notice, so I was like "okay, so I guess we can go." So of course, as soon as I start packing up and get up to leave, this substitute turns around and is all in my face about leaving. At this point, I was tired (because the day's forecast was cloudy and rainy and thus indicative of sleep for me), and a little pissy that these other students could just leave, as though their lives and circumstances excuse them from having to stay to the bitter end like the rest of us. So, he finally lets me go on the grounds that yeah, we actually only have like ten minutes of class left, and given that I'm done with everything, I might as well go. Now, obviously those other students were able to get out of there because they were quiet about it; I was apparently not quiet about it, but the whole ordeal just pisses me off. This is also why I don't like drama, because stuff like this should not piss me off. I also know that what I did was probably not the smartest decision, and yet I can't bring the part of my brain that is angry at the other students over the the idea that I attempted pretty much the same thing... anyway, I'm complaining because I guess that's what this has become: a chance for me to vent to the whole world about my insignificant and boring problems that in any other context besides my own life would make me just want to take a knife to the person having those problems and replace their eyes with logic boards.

Of course, I'm the one having these stupid problems, which aren't even problems (they're just excuses for me to complain and feel better about myself), so no, I'm not going to take a knife to myself (that would be stupid and not result in anything but physical pain, and really who wants to deal with that on a Friday night at 10:20?) Anyway, I'm the one having these... pseudo problems (?) and that just makes me angry that my mind is still developing, and it's so clear that it's still developing because I'm complaining about trivial issues like this. I'm very smart, and so whenever I get something wrong I'm always really angry about it, because I know I'm smarter than that. Likewise, whenever I complain about something superficial, I get angry at myself because I know that complaining about superficial things neither increases my experiences of the day, nor does it make others' experiences any more fun (unless they hate me). And before you roll your eyes and just say "well, stop complaining then", I'd like to remind you that I am sadly a hormonal angsty 18-year old guy who can't even stand to be in the same room with a person who thinks feminism means female superiority (which is actually called sexism), when in reality it means female equality, so my mind is not really in the most logical of places right at this moment.

I think though that the fact that I recognize how obnoxious I and many other teenagers can be about trivialities like this says a lot about my character, and says a lot about my fellow students' characters as well (for many of them are like me: smart and insightful- unless they're talking about feminism). So, anyway, rant over. I just wanted to run around in circles with that story and it's implications and outcomes for a little while to get it out of my system.

After all of that mess was over, I had a lovely conversation with several members of the Cross Country team (we all thought there was no practice; apparently there was, though I didn't find this out until my Mom came and got me). We talked about a whole bunch of boring stuff, but one particular topic came up that I found quite interesting. We began talking about parental expectations and how we as teenagers tend to veer from our parent's expectations and personalities (most of the time). So, we get to talking about this, and I'm all like "yeah, my Dad went to Harvard, my Mom went to Berkley; there's no way that I could make it into those schools, but my Mom knows that and she's supportive of the schools that I want to go to", and everyone else was like "well, that's good. It's good that you have a supportive family, because a lot of parents are like 'no, you need to get into this college', or 'if you don't get into this college I'm disowning you' or something like that".

And I got to thinking about how lucky I am that my Mom is embracing the whole backing off thing and letting me evolve into my own person. That's a sign of good parenting (thanks, Mom), and apparently a few people at my school don't have that. Many of my friends do, but a few don't, and that baffles me. Not that my friends are complaining about it (as I mentioned above, we do plenty of that already), but that parents can and are that demanding to the point of quelling creativity and dreams just so that one could supposedly measure up to them... even though often times the parents are wrong about how their child's potential will only be reached if they get into a school that probably would not make them vary happy. Granted, I haven't visited Harvard as a prospective student, but I would probably find it very overwhelming in terms of campus size, I'd probably find it uncomfortable in terms of relationships with people and professors, and I'd most likely not enjoy my stay there simply because of how my personality totally doesn't click with what Harvard has to offer. Am I smart? Sure, but that doesn't mean that I need to go to one of the Ivy's simply because I'm smart. I'm a lot of other things too, and many of my characteristics I think would not suit Harvard's standards. Anyway, to make a long conversation short, we all eventually left with the idea that we are our own persons, and that our parents should not need to have us measured against what they've done. Obviously, there are caveats that come with that statement: obviously, we all want to be the best that we can be, and a large part of that comes from emulating our parents (I myself find that I channel my Dad whenever I have to present something to a teacher or to the class), but I think my point is clear.

Not sure why I chose to rant about either teen angst or parental expectations, but I did, and I'm sticking to it. I had dinner with Aaron and his family (he's staying over at my house next week, dear God), and it was great. I had this lobster ravioli, which was superb, and we all got into a multi-sided conversation about grades and college (not unlike the one my friends and I were having above... kind of), and then we went home. He's coming over tomorrow! Super stoked! Going to bed now. If you got to this point in this painfully self-centered and winy post, I congratulate you. See you all tomorrow.

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